Dating, Sex, and the Media

When you’re dating, sex can be a big issue.

For some couples, sex before marriage is not an option.  That’s usually a religious decision.

At the other extreme, some couples are intimate from the beginning, with a “Sure, why not?” casual attitude.

Many couples are somewhere in between those extremes.  The question for them is:  How soon is “too soon”?

On Bravo’s TV series,Millionaire Matchmaker, star Patti Stanger usually advises couples not to have sex until they’ve both agreed that it’s a committed, monogamous relationship.  That sounds good when she says it, but is it the right decision for you?

However, in the January 2012 issue of Allure magazine (page 45),

Ms. Stanger advised women about refusing a man’s request for a date.  She said that you should tell the man that he’s a great guy, but you just don’t feel that all-important chemistry.

So far, so good.

Then she said,

“Believe me, when a man hears a woman won’t have sex with him, he’ll move on.”

For chaste women and those who prefer to postpone intimacy until a mutual commitment is clear, that’s a harsh message.  I’m not sure it’s the kind of dating advice I’d give my daughter.

To be fair, I’m pretty sure Ms. Stanger meant, “… won’t have sex with him, ever.”

Nevertheless, this is the kind of message that confuses many women when they’re looking for — or think they’ve found — Mr. Right.

The media love to play on your insecurities.  They present sex as an integral part of dating, and maybe even the make-or-break issue if you want to get him to commit.

Frankly, that’s manipulative.  It’s the media manipulating you, telling you something that’s not true.  It can also lead you to manipulate your relationship, dangling the incentive of sex to get him to say what you want to hear.

With that kind of bait, chances are: He’ll say whatever you want him to say.  He’ll talk about commitment, marriage, kids, and anything else that lulls you into thinking sex is a smart and important step towards the altar.

Someone needs to tell you the truth.  If sex before marriage is a make-or-break issue for your guy, that’s not love.  Lust can get you to the altar, sometimes, but — sooner or later — you’re going to look at him and wonder if you made a terrible mistake.  He might be thinking the same thing.

All you need is love, as the Beatles said.

To be fair, a lot of men think they need sex to be sure of the relationship.  It’s because their emotions are engaged, but something feels like it’s missing.  Your guy might think a physical commitment will fill that void.  He hopes it will get him past that “not ready” uneasiness, and take your relationship to the next step… the one that eventually leads to marriage.

Unfortunately, it’s the wrong answer, if he has that “something’s missing” feeling.  If anything, sex can drive him away from you.  The implied commitment of sex can send him running out the door — permanently — faster than the worst argument.

What he’s missing is something he can’t quite put his finger on.  It’s the kind of connection that only you can provide, but it has nothing to do with the bedroom.

That’s what you’ll learn in the Girl Gets Ring system.  Or, you might start to figure it out on your own, after a series of failed relationships.  That’s precious time you’ll never get back.

Women’s magazines and other media might try to convince you that being “hot” and good in bed are important qualities that will get him to commit.  That’s misleading and can ruin relationships.

If sex were necessary to cement a relationship, absolutely no one who’s “waiting for marriage” would be married.

And, if sex were a sure thing to get a man to commit, you probably wouldn’t be reading this article.  Chances are: Sex didn’t keep the guy by your side in the past.  It’s not going to be the make-or-break point for your next relationship, either.

Physical intimacy can be an important part of a committed relationship.  However, if you’re having sex thinking, “Maybe this will get him to marry me,” that’s the wrong tactic.  One thing I learned from the Girl Gets Ring system is:  If he’s getting that antsy, “not ready to commit” edginess and he says he’s feeling pushed when you talk about your future together, he probably doesn’t know what’s missing in the relationship.  The GGR system will explain that to you, and what you can do to make a difference.

Don’t let the media manipulate you into thinking that sex is the answer to a stalled relationship.  And don’t let your man think sex will fix that uneasiness he’s feeling.

The answer is somewhere else, and — frankly — it’s not that complicated.